how?

How does one make their dreams come true? 
find the funding?
the nerve to "do" it?

I MUST figure this out. because doing nothing is killing me. I am wasting time, and none of us have a whole lot of that these days. I waste time dreaming the dream, but no follow through. one of these days there has got to be follow through.

I'll be back later.... {sooner than later}

wonderfully horrible

I am looking forward to a great weekend, but also looking at some hurt feelings in the near future.
The girls are both playing in our state volleyball regionals, and while it is a weekend I have dreamt about, (both girls love volleyball--hoorah!) unfirtunately, they do not play at the same venue. Actually they are 15-20 min. apart. Inevitably some feelings are going to be hurt. I hate that. There will be someone there to watch all of the games, between all 3 (4) of the adult parent/grandparents going, but I can't watch all of them.

I hate that.

I hope they know how much I hate missing even a second of even the second game of even their 3rd match of the day.

I hate just missing any of it.

brand new

stay tuned... times are changing.... new blog ahead!

Random Ramblings ahead~

I am not a share-my-feelings-kind-of-girl, so, this post is a toughie to write.

But I had a thought the other night, while making my bed. I was climbing all over the bed trying to fit a down comforter into an IKEA duvet cover. usually I walk laps around the bed trying to get it to fit, this time i climbed and crawled all over the bed, and it was kinda fun. It got me thinking, why don't I do things the fun way? ever? Don't get me wrong, I can be fun, but it is rare. My default setting is definitely 'stick in the mud'. It hasn't always been. and that is what really got me thinking.

When did I become no fun?

It started when I was pregnant with Alayna. I was 19. before that I was a happy fun loving teenager. crazy in love and sure life was going to go exactly as I had planned for it to. ( some call it naive, I call it optimistic) anyway, I was young and pregnant and people judge, and believe me I felt it, and noticed the looks, (the ones from my tummy to my ring finger and back again)and it took a toll on me and my self esteem, a toll that is felt for a long time. Still felt. I really think it was at that point that fun went out the window. Nobody takes a teen mom seriously, and definitely not a fun loving happy teen mom. I became serious, It doesn't take me two hands to list the number of times that I got on the floor and played with Alayna. If I was too happy or fun or playful, people would think I didn't understand the responsibility, or thought of her as a doll I was playing dress up with.

Which was definitely not true.

I was and am very aware of the responsibility. I just am afraid that I have gone way too far to the side of the serious. I need to make room for fun.

I need to find the me, within who I think people expect me to be.

I was married for over 7 years, and not that long ago Mike {(ex)husband} said to me "I don't think you have ever been 100% comfortable being yourself around me".

That is so true and so sad.

How different could everything be? with Mike, with my girls? with everyone?

would I feel known? would I let people in? would I let my guard down?

So I am starting with this post. I am not saying I am just going to loosen up, I am going to let myself be me. just me. not who you or "they" want me to be. just me.

a few of you know who that is.

I am going to find her again.

Why??

Why? why? why? .... I know we are not supposed to question, but why do these accidents happen? to loving mothers and fathers, who do everything in their power to protect and love their kids, why???

It absolutely breaks my heart to say that Benjamin passed to heaven last night. He is now eating marshmallows in Jesus' lap.


We all prayed hard for a miracle, now we need to pray just as hard for Ben's family {Dave, Steph, Gabe, Eli and baby Elise + extended family} While it is great comfort that little Ben is in heaven, that does not mean it doesn't hurt to be seperated, even with the promise of seeing him again....


Thank you for remembering them.



{Ben dressed as Theodore for Halloween 2009, his brothers were Alvin & Simon}

Keep 'em coming

Little Ben Ricketts now has a caringbridge site. read, comment & pray....

please pray...

I just learned that yesterday they found my friend Steph's 22 month old son not breathing with the cord from the blinds wrapped around his neck. He was airlifted and in critical condition, not breathing on his own, and they were monitoring brain activity.

The update from 4 hours ago said the last CT looked improved, and they are monitoring the swelling in his brain. Please pray for this little guy, his name is Ben.

spread the word.....